this is gona be emo/angst-filled. so if the sun is shining high and bright above you and that rainbow's hanging high up in your sky, don't read. but then again, who would be innocent enough to withhold one's curiosity and proceed to close this window after reading the above.

this is really so embarrassing. i know to many it may seem like just an ordinary blunder and there's no big deal abt it. but its different for me. and im sure you know why.

and well it would be great if i could actually map out all my commitments on my calendar and have a clear idea of my activities for the rest of the year. unfortunately this would just be a stepping stone for me to realise/forsee problems i have been/will be facing throughout this year, maybe even next year. and that won't be of any help.

everyone complains about how useless career guidance classes are and how they have zero idea of what they will be when they grow up. but im sure amidst all those SDS and RIASEC tests and looking through literally 10 over pages of different kinds of jobs ranging from a truck driver to a real estate agent to a financial planner, at least a handful would have paused for that half a minute or so to imagine themselves as the CEO of some humongous company calling all the shots.

i shall stop going arnd in circles and get straight to the point. this is called. SPIRITUAL DRYNESS. im floating aimlessly amidst this sea of confusion and adversities. and the worst thing about this is, I KNOW ITS MY FAULT. there's no one else to blame but ME.

if i ask Him WHERE ARE YOU, He'll ask me WHERE HAVE YOU GONE.
if i ask Him WHY AREN'T YOU WITH ME, He'll ask me WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME.
if i beg Him PLEASE HELP ME, He'll beg me PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU.

and maybe it will take a catastrophe to bring me back to Him.